A Letter to My Son About Losing Well and Getting Back Up

To my son

I want to tell you something I did not learn until I was a lot older than you. I have lost a lot. Jobs I wanted. Deals I worked on for months. Games, arguments, friendships, a few chances I should have taken and did not. I am not writing this as a guy who figured out how to win. I am writing this as a guy who got pretty good at losing, and I think that matters more.

You are going to lose. I cannot stop that and I would not want to. The question is not whether you lose. The question is how.

Shake the hand

When you lose, look the other person in the eye and shake their hand. Say good game and mean it. Not because it feels good. It will not. Do it because the person you are in that moment is the person you are becoming.

I have watched grown men throw a fit over a lost sale. I have watched them blame the customer, blame the boss, blame the weather. I have been that guy a couple of times, and I was ashamed of it later. Nobody respects the man who cannot lose. And here is the secret. Nobody wants to help him win next time either.

The person who shakes the hand gets another shot. People remember how you act when it goes wrong far longer than they remember how you act when it goes right.

Feel it, but do not live there

You are allowed to be upset. I do not want you to pretend losing does not hurt. It hurts. Go home, be quiet, kick the dirt a little. Cry if you need to. I have.

But set a timer on it. Give yourself the night, or the day, and then get up. The loss is a visit, not an address. The longer you sit in it, the harder it gets to stand. I know people who are still mad about something that happened twenty years ago. They never got up. Do not be that.

Find the one thing

Every loss has one thing in it you can use. Just one. Maybe you did not prepare enough. Maybe you talked when you should have listened. Maybe you did everything right and the other guy was just better that day. That is a lesson too. It means there is a next level, and now you know what it looks like.

Do not try to learn ten things from a loss. You will drown. Find the one thing, write it down, and carry it with you. Then let the rest go.

You will lose to people you do not like. Let them win it clean. You will lose because somebody let you down. Forgive them, or at least do not spend your energy hating them. Bitterness is heavy, and you have places to go.

And when somebody loses to you, be kind. Remember what it felt like. Do not gloat. Do not post it. Win the way you would want to lose to somebody.

I am still building. I am a regular guy with a good family and a job I like, and I have lost plenty along the way. And I am okay. More than okay. Because every time I got back up, I got a little stronger and a little kinder, and those two things turned out to be worth more than any trophy.

So lose well. Shake the hand. Feel it for a night. Find the one thing. Get up. I will be right there when you do, and if you want, I will tell you about the time I lost even worse.

I love you. Go again.

Losing is not the problem. Losing badly is. Shake the hand, learn the lesson, go again.