The waiting room
A while back I was sitting in a crowded urgent care waiting room. It was a Saturday, the place was packed, and the wait was long. You could feel the tension in the air. A baby was crying. A man by the door kept checking his watch and sighing loud enough for everyone to hear. A woman at the front desk was getting short with the receptionist.
Then an older gentleman came in with his wife. He checked her in, sat down, and started talking to the little kid next to him about the fish tank. Which fish was fastest. Which one looked grumpy. His voice was slow and easy. He smiled at the tired mom holding the crying baby and said, you are doing great, they all cry in here, I would too.
I watched the room change. Not all at once. But the mom relaxed her shoulders. The kid laughed. The guy by the door stopped sighing and started watching the fish too. Within about ten minutes it felt like a different room. Same wait. Same crowd. Different air.
That man did not fix anything. He did not make the line move faster. He just brought calm with him, and it spread.
Calm is a choice you can practice
I used to think calm people were just born that way. Some are, maybe. But I think for most of us, calm is something you practice. It is a choice you make over and over until it becomes who you are.
I am not naturally the calmest guy. I can get worked up in traffic. I can get short when I am tired. But I have seen what one calm person can do for a room, and I want to be that person more often. At work. At home. In line at the store.
How to be the calm one
Here is what I have been working on. Maybe some of it helps you too.
Slow your voice down. When things get tense, most of us talk faster and louder. Do the opposite. A slow, low voice tells everyone around you that this is going to be okay.
Breathe before you answer. When someone snaps at you, take one full breath before you say anything. It feels like forever. It is about four seconds. Those four seconds can save a whole day.
Look for the small thing you can do. The older man could not fix the wait, but he could talk to a kid about fish. In a tense moment, find one small, kind action and do it. That gives your nerves somewhere useful to go.
Do not take the bait. When someone is upset, they sometimes want you to be upset too. You do not have to join them. You can care about them and still keep your own peace.
Play a Positive Phil game
How Positive Are You?
12 quick questions. Get your score, then challenge a friend.
Why it matters more than you think
Every room you walk into has a mood. Your home. Your office. Your car with your kid in the back seat. You are always adding something to that mood, whether you mean to or not. You can add stress or you can add calm.
The people around you are watching more than you know. My son picks up on my mood faster than anyone. When I come home rattled, he gets rattled. When I come home steady, the whole house feels better. That is a lot of power for one dad to have, and I want to use it well.
I also think calm is a kind of faith. When I stay steady in a hard moment, it is partly because I believe things will work out, that I do not have to carry everything alone. A quick prayer in my head has calmed me down more times than I can count.
You will not get it right every time. I sure do not. But every time you choose calm, it gets a little easier next time. And every time, somebody in the room breathes a little easier because of you.
Calm is contagious. Be the one who starts it.
