What I Want My Son to Hear Me Say More Often at Home

A regular weeknight

It is a regular weeknight. Dinner is done. The dishes are mostly done. My son is in his room and the door is closed, which at his age means do not bother me unless the house is on fire.

I am standing in the hallway with a dish towel over my shoulder, and I have this thought. What did he hear from me today? Not what did I mean. Not what did I feel. What did he actually hear?

I ran back through the day. Did you finish that. Where are your shoes. Turn that down. We are going to be late. All fair things for a parent to say. None of them wrong. But if those were the only words he heard from me, what would he think I thought of him?

That stopped me right there in the hallway.

The words I want him to hear more

So I made myself a short list. Not a speech. Just a handful of simple sentences I want my son to hear me say a lot more often than he does.

I want him to hear me say I am proud of you, and not only when he wins something. Proud of him for being honest. Proud of him for trying. Proud of him for how he treats people when nobody is grading him.

I want him to hear me say I was wrong. Dads make mistakes. I make plenty. When I snap at him or jump to conclusions, I want him to hear me own it plainly. I think that teaches him more about being a man than any lecture I could give.

I want him to hear me say I like being with you. Not just I love you, though I say that too. Liking someone is different. It says I enjoy you. I choose you. You are good company.

I want him to hear me say tell me more. When he talks about a game or a song or something that happened at school, my first move is often to give advice. I want my first move to be curiosity. Tell me more. What happened next. What did you think about that.

I want him to hear me say thank you for small things. Taking out the trash. Feeding the dog. Holding the door. Kids do a lot that goes unnoticed. I want him to know I notice.

And I want him to hear me say we will figure it out. Life is going to hand him hard things. I want my voice in his head to be steady and calm. Not panicked. Not angry. Just, we will figure it out together.

Back in the hallway

So I knocked on the door. He said yeah, in that tone. I opened it a crack and said, hey, I just wanted to say I like hanging out with you. That is all. Good night.

He looked at me like I had grown a second head. Then he kind of half smiled and said okay, good night Dad. That was it. No big moment. No movie music.

But I think those small moments add up. I think one day he will be standing in a hallway of his own, maybe with a kid of his own behind a closed door, and he will hear my voice saying one of those simple things. And maybe he will knock too.

Start with one sentence

If you are a parent, or a grandparent, or an uncle, or a coach, or anyone a young person looks up to, try this. Pick one sentence from that list. Say it out loud this week. Say it when there is no reason to say it. That is when it lands the hardest.

It might feel awkward at first. That is okay. Awkward and kind beats smooth and silent every time.

Say the kind words out loud. Kids remember what we say, and how often we say it.